Seven Simple Complicated Impossible Things to Achieve
by TheNewIdea
Summary: There are many things that make life wonderful. I should know I have a few. This is the story of how I almost got everything I ever wanted. Rated M for humor, sexual references, romantic drama, strong language.
1. Part One: Love

Part One: Love

For those of you who are simply wondering who I am, I'll give you a brief description. I am a talking dog and if you say that I'm motherfucking Scooby-Doo, Rin Tin Tin or that bastard Astro I will see to it that your eyes are cut out with a spoon. My name is Brian and this is another story and it begins on sunny afternoon at the Griffin house.

I was sitting in front of the couch, for some reason I was sitting how every other dog on the planet did and not how I normally sat nowadays. Realizing this I quickly readjusted myself only to find that I was more comfortable in the previous position. This bothered me a great deal, so much so that I sat in silence for seven minutes contemplating the meaning behind this. I came up with nothing.

Lois decided that it would be a good idea if I started mingling with other dogs in order to help improve my social skills, for I wasn't very good at doing much of anything that normal dogs should do. Predictably, the obvious and most embarrassing approach is to visit every single dog park in town until I made some friends of my own kind, easier said than done. Dog parks by the way, are the worst invention that humans could ever conceive. There is absolutely no privacy, nothing in it for the dogs and is merely an excuse for lonely people to meet up and start the dating scene. For me, it was Hell, for Lois, it was just another chance to annoy every person she met with her nasally voice, her old fashioned and sometimes ridiculous outfits and her ten years out of date vocabulary.

We only been at the park for exactly four seconds when Lois found someone to talk to and eventually cause their ears to bleed due to her obsessive need to have attention. Unfortunately I was trapped, hung by the neck at the collar with the shortest leash that money could buy and practically being dragged off the ground as a result. The more I struggled the more the leash choked me and the more Lois tightened the grip on the leash, making it even shorter than it was before. "Lois" I said finally finding enough slack in the leash to get a word out, "Get this thing off me. I'm choking to death." Lois turned towards me and saw that my hind legs were off the ground. The only thing she did was lower her hand, which brought me back down to the ground on all fours.

Just when things couldn't get any worse they got worse. We entered a heavily populated area of the park, dogs and human alike were everywhere, most of them were relatively happy, the dogs were catching sticks and Frisbees and the humans were enjoying the company of friends and their animals. All of them were without leashes, making me feel even more uncomfortable for not only did Lois keep the leash on and tightened the grip, but her voice got louder as well, causing everyone, including me, to cover their ears in extreme pain at the sound of her voice. I swore that I could hear gunshots going off in the distance, ears exploding and people shouting Satanic phrases and summoning demons to try and end Lois' life. Personally at this point, I would've considered it a blessing.

Finally Lois had enough sense to stop talking and sit on a bench. I turned towards her and tried to speak, but the leash prevented me from doing anything, my throat was killing me. I pointed to the leash to try and signal Lois to take it off or at the very least loosen it so that I could breathe and speak properly. "You want it tighter?" Lois asked, misinterpreting my signals, "Okay, but any tighter and I'll have to send you to the hospital Brian. But you asked so..." Lois then did the worst thing imaginable, she tightened the leash to the point where my collar was now cutting off my circulation in my head. Strangely I became immediately horny and had the sudden urge the hump the nearest tree I could find, my body though, despite these urges went comatose as I slipped into unconsciousness.

I woke up on a veterinarian hospital bed; Lois was next to the bed, as well as Peter and the rest of the family. On the small table to the right were the leash and my collar, both of which were cut. I touched my neck and found ligature marks. I immediately turned towards Lois, "You could've killed me!" I exclaimed, wanting to scream and finding my voice extremely hoarse and barely audible. Peter stepped in, "It's this new medication she's on Brian. She can't really think things straight right now." I looked at him in disbelief, "So you're more mentally competent than she is right now?" Peter nodded, causing me to laugh hysterically, "Are you fucking kidding me!" I yelled, my throat was on fire but I was too upset to care, "You! Are you bullshitting me right now Peter? Because if you are I congratulate and give you a standing ovation." Peter stared at me in silence; his face was all too serious for it to be a joke. This only made it worse as I laughed harder and slipped into madcap insanity, my smile stretched all across my face reminiscent to that of The Joker. Peter, Stewie and Chris later told me that it was creepiest thing that they had ever seen.

XXXXXXX

Three days later I was back home. Stewie avoided me, having been terrified by my madcap insanity episode, which honestly at the moment was for the best. Lois, now calmer and her medication under control, decided once again to get me to socialize with other dogs. This time though Lois promised me no leash and no dog parks. Reassured by this I went along for one more try.

Sitting in the passenger seat of Peter's car I told Lois that I wanted to try something different and go for the dating scene in the dog community, this brought a wide eyed look and a long pause. I sighed and gave my explanation, "I'm tired of this...going for these bar shanks and women that I know I don't have a chance with. I want something real Lois, something stable." I then told Lois my secret desire, the thing that I wanted above all else. "I want to be a father" I laughed as tears of happiness and longing welled up in my eyes, "I've always dreamt of hearing the subtle bark of pups in the morning. The cold, small, wet noses as they would wake me up followed by the soft, warm embrace of fur as she woke up, getting five extra minutes of sleep that she desperately deserves." I began choking up, I wiped my eyes. Lois was completely speechless, her eyes was enough for me to tell that she was emotionally moved. After a few seconds I spoke again, "I would look at her and she would look at me. We would look at our kids and smile as we all gathered each other close. Then we would romp around the yard, play fetch, wrestle and run before we would all go to the boardwalk for a nice evening dinner." I shook my head as my dream suddenly disappeared and I was thrown back into reality, "That would be my prefect day."

I turned towards Lois who was now doing the wise monkey Speak No Evil pose. I hung my head in shame, embarrassed that I had told her the one thing that in a way I never wanted to tell anyone. "I just want to be normal Lois" I said, hoping that she would say anything in the lines of reassurance or encouragement. All I got was a confused stare. The ligature marks on my neck were beginning to hurt, I feared they were going to be permanent for they were deep and heavily bruised. A small single tear escaped my eye and fell to the floor. "Help me Lois" I pleaded, "I don't want to be alone anymore." Lois, in response, wrapped her arms around me in what was perhaps the longest hug that I've ever been in, for we stayed that way for about twenty minutes before pulling out of the driveway.


	2. Chapter 2

"Speed dating, you're serious?" I asked as we drove down the street, heading towards the obvious target of the animal shelter. Lois nodded, "It works trust me." I laughed, almost insulted by the suggestion, "Speed dating works for lonely people who can't pick up chicks and horny high school teenagers with nothing better to do on a Saturday night." Lois nodded again, "Exactly, that's how you have to see yourself." I shook my head in disbelief, thinking that the medication through her system was wearing off, for she was talking utter nonsense. "No" I stated firmly, "I will not degrade myself like that. I'm not Chris, I know how to pick up girls Lois, give me some fucking credit." Lois turned towards me, her face said everything, she obviously wanted me to prove it, but her eyes said more. Lois wanted me to prove that I could pick up dogs, something that I, to my shame, have no experience with.

Lois smiled and ruffled the fur on top of my head, "I'm telling you Brian. Speed dating works. It's 60 seconds with each girl, you talk about anything, see what you like." I raised my hand to try and get myself out of this, relying on Lois' inner teacher to emerge and call my name. "What is it Brian?" she asked, thankfully playing along. "I have a question" I began, "Are you possessed?" Lois huffed in annoyance, "No Brian, I'm not possessed. I thought didn't believe in that sort of thing anyway." I laughed in response, "Oh I don't. But it must be the only explanation for you to try and ruin my already dead and buried reputation by dragging me to dog parks and now speed dating when I personally would've been fine if you would've just taken me to a restaurant or a beach somewhere and let me figure it out on my own." Lois turned onto the next street, "Are you saying that you don't want my help? Cause I can turn around or drop you off right here." I said nothing and we drove on.

The animal shelter was Quahog's epicenter for the down trod and the poor, mostly because in addition to housing animals, the shelter had a reputation with homeless people. The owners didn't mind, for they treated them as if they were any other lost dog, gave them food and allowed them to stay in the spare rooms they had built for up to a week. Walking inside you were met with a counter and the attendant. The attendant was Jasper, my cousin, who upon seeing me jumped over the counter and gave me a bear hug. "Brian!" he cried, "It's so good to see you. What are you doing here?" Before I could get a word in, Lois answered for me, "Speed dating" Jasper looked at me with surprise, to which I gave Lois a glaring look and a soft growl, "Let me handle this" I whispered threateningly. Lois only laughed in response; Jasper only hugged me once again and led me into the next room.

"I had no idea you were interested" Jasper continued as we passed several empty cages. This raised several flags for me for usually when Jasper used the word 'interested' it wasn't what you hoped it was going to be. This time though it was serious. Jasper saw my reaction of shock and shook his head, "Interested in dogs Brian. I always thought you were a human lover." I rolled my eyes in annoyance, "I am" I answered, "I'm just...exploring the avenues is all." Lois shook her head, denying me, "I think looking for marriage is more than exploring the avenues Brian." My mouth was agape, I couldn't believe that she would blatantly tell my inner most secrets like that. But then again this was Lois I was talking about. Note to self: never tell Lois anything that you don't people to know because she will tell the people closest to you. And the people closest to you are exactly the kind of people that you want to keep in the dark, especially when you're in my situation.

At hearing this Jasper began acting exactly how you would expect him to. He was practically screaming his head off at the proposition of me getting married, something that I haven't even considered yet for I was still very much in the "looking for a girlfriend" stage and nothing more. Lois however, just seemed to make everything worse. Leaning in it took everything I had not to tell her like I wanted to. This is what I said...

"What are you doing is the opposite of help. In other words, you're not helping. You are hurting. Hurting me, if this is how you are going to be then you need to go outside and wait in the car. Because of you Jasper is going to talk about flowers, tuxedos and begin planning an entire wedding in his head all because you just so happened to ruin the secret that I wanted to keep between us. I will never tell you anything again and if I do afterwards I going to shoot myself in the foot with Joe's gun because you are only making my life worse. If you want to help, stop helping and get me Peter and Joe, because they actually know what they are doing unlike you. I know you're on medication right now and that's great, that's wonderful really it is. But do me a favor, just this one kindness and GO HOME!"

What I was thinking was much more shorter and more colorful.

"You backstabbing bitch. To think that I thought I could trust you. You're nothing but a shitfaced, lowlife bimbo. I'm sorry but Peter could do way better than you, why he climbed down the social ladder at all is a mystery to me, considering that he was so low to begin with. In fact you might even say that you guys are on the same level. You are the least helpful person I ever met and I hope you are mauled to death by fucking toothless tigers as they slowly and painfully gum you to death, you sad, old whore!"

Lois got the hint, turned around and walked out, leaving me with an emotionally unstable, extremely sensitive and uncomfortably happy Jasper who rambling on about my wedding that wasn't going to happen any time soon. "I know just what we'll do. We'll get streamers, a big white cake with those mini figurines, a nice chocolate waterfall in the back and a caramel one in front. Blue and red will be the main colors. The wine will be purple..." This had to end. Walking over to Jasper, I slapped him as hard as I could in the face, this calmed him down but he still remained on the subject. "I can't wait Brian! I always knew that you'd find someone I just knew it." I stopped him before he could say anymore, "Jasper I haven't even found her yet and if I do find her it's easily going to be another few years before we reach that point. I want to do this right. This is my life we're talking about here, not some game or one night stand. This is real. I know it is. But I have to find her first." Jasper's face became warm as he hugged me for a third time, "Okay" he said, finally listening to reason, "Let's go find you a girl!"

XXXXXX

Jasper led me to the back room where there were several dogs in cages. I could tell that Lois had called Jasper in advance for on every cage was a name and a timed clock of 60 seconds. Speed dating. This was going to be interesting. Jasper walked me over to the first cage, in which was a German Shepherd named Ally. Jasper smiled and began the short introduction, "This is Ally...Ally, Brian." I extended my hand through the cage, which she took as Jasper started the timer. Ally started first, "Well I was born in Austin, Texas..." Okay, girl from my hometown, that's a plus I guess. "I'm a scrap booker, I like walks on the beach and I like things rough in the bed. I'm into S&M." That's confusing and scary at the same time. Next.

The next cage was Barbara, a Golden Retriever. The timer started and we began, this time I kicked things off. "Born in Austin, Texas, raised on a farm in Cleveland, Ohio, came to Rhode Island five years ago. I'm a writer as a hobby." I couldn't tell if she was interested or not for her face gave absolutely nothing, so I continued, "I've had several odd jobs around town; I'm still looking for something stable. My love life is nonexistent; I have an irrational fear of guns, bad social skills and can be a little egotistical." Barbara said nothing was if she as waiting for me to say something else. Her eyes gave me a dead stare, making me believe that she was actually dead, I gently poked her shoulder and turned out that Barbara was indeed dead and that I had been talking to her for exactly 45 seconds. So that's out.

The third cage was the most promising thus far, the cage belonged to Holly, a Border collie. The reason why this cage was the most promising was because unlike Ally, she appeared to be normal and unlike Barbara, she was alive. Holly was all the way at the back of the cage, making it difficult for me to hear her, which told me that she was shy. This was something I was willing to work with and so as a result, I opened the cage door and stepped inside, taking the clock with me.

The cage was small, barely enough room for either of us to fit in alone and even more uncomfortable with the two of us there. I started the timer and extended my hand, "I'm Brian" I answered trying to be as friendly as possible, she said nothing nor did she take my hand. I shrugged and started off; giving the same information I gave before, trying to make her comfortable to at the very least be open with me. Holly immediately relaxed when I was finished and spoke; the timer was at 30 seconds. "I like long walks on the beach. I'm a painter; I have absolutely no idea why I'm here. I'm insecure and I believe that we all have a destiny somewhere." So far so good, in a way I always wanted to be with an artist, to put things in perspective for me. I wasn't going to attach to her yet though for there always seemed to be something at the end that they left out and would only say when they were most comfortable. I didn't want to risk anything so I left my atheism out of the equation for now. Holly continued, " And I personally believe that anyone who isn't a Christian or at least a branch of it should be wiped off the face of the Earth."

The timer ran out, but I decided to cheat and restarted it again, I wanted to see if she was serious. "Please tell me you're joking" I replied, "A lot of my friends aren't Christian. Please tell me you're joking." Holly shook her head, "No" she said, "but I will tell you that I'm a compulsive liar." This brought both a sigh of relief and confusion, for I had no idea if she lying about the wiping people off the face of the Earth or that she was lying when she said was a compulsive liar. Obviously she had gotten this reaction before and responded by opening the cage door and throwing me and the clock out of it, with the most playful smile that I've ever seen. It was clear to me that she liked me or at least developed an interest. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel the same.

I decided to listen to my gut which told me to move on, instead of my heart which told me that Holly was the one for me. It turns out that every other dog I saw that day I had compared to her. I even went so far as to ask the others questions about her, most of them were happy to oblige for they immediately told me that I wasn't their type or that they were gay in order to avoid me, something that I was fine with by all accounts.

From the other dogs I learned that Holly was indeed a compulsive liar, thankfully disproving the psycho religious freak that she claimed to be. I also learned that she was originally from Seattle, coming to Rhode Island to practice her art. A free spirit as it were, Holly was also an avid globetrotter having been to Europe, Asia and Africa, it is from these experiences that most of her art comes from. Jasper later told me that out of all of them he knew that Holly would be the one I choose from the beginning, having discovered the information I obtained for himself when he first met her three months ago when he officially moved to the Quahog area and started working there. "She' prefect for you Brian" Jasper said to me as we sat outside the shelter twenty minutes later, "Do you want me to let her out?" I stared at him as if he were mentally insane, "I'm looking for a girlfriend not getting a pet, Jasper." Jasper nodded in understanding, "Do you still want me to let her out?" he asked more firmly than before, "I could get her looking fabulous, you could come in dressed dapperly and then take her for a nice dinner."

The idea sounded promising, but first I had to be sure that Holly was even interested in me. Seeing no option I had Jasper go in and ask her a few questions. When he came back out, he shook his head sadly, "She says no" Jasper replied, "I'm sorry Brian." I shook it off, to be honest I wasn't crushed terribly, for I simply hated the whole speed dating thing and thought that it would've been easier if I wasn't timed or pressured to talk about specific things. I figured that given time I would either have another chance or find someone similar or better. I sighed as Lois returned to pick me, "It's alright Jasper" I said, "We tried." Jasper only had a face of disappointment and defeat as he saw me enter the car and drive home, I was mirroring him.

XXXXXX

Lois and I weren't greeted when we got home and no questions were asked about the experience. Peter simply sat on the couch and began watching the Channel 5 News, while Stewie was sitting on the floor playing with Rupert. Chris and Meg were upstairs doing whatever it is that they do at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Lois headed to the kitchen to start dinner, leaving me virtually alone in the house. Not really feeling like watching TV and just wanting to sit in peace, I headed upstairs to Lois and Peter's room.

Sitting on the bed I stared at the wall and thought about my life. Every time I came to the subject of family and my dream, I discovered that the girl I was with was replaced with Holly. My imagination took over as I smiled at nothing. After a few minutes I brought myself back and had an idea. Jumping off the bed, I looked underneath it and pulled out my old typewriter. I hadn't used it in what seems like years having given up on writing officially. Even so, my creative side wouldn't stop talking and so I began to type.

Two hours later I was done. I typed the words 'The End' and placed the final page on top of the others before throwing the whole thing in the garbage. If anything, I wrote the story for me, they were words that only I needed to hear. Placing the typewriter back under the bed, I walked out of the room and entered Chris' to see what it was that he was doing.

I walked in his room, for the door was swung wide open to find that Chris was masturbating, in his lap was a Playboy magazine at the same time there was also a porno movie on his computer. Before I had a chance to say anything in the way of advice or ridicule, Chris stood up, his fat gracefully covering up his penis, picked me up and threw me out the door before slamming it shut. "Show a little respect for yourself Chris!" I yelled as I walked away, "And hit the gym you fat, lazy, bastard!" Chris groaned from the other side of the door and replied, "Shut the fuck up you no good, dirty, pompous, annoying atheist prick. I can do what I want!" This actually hurt me a bit, for I was constantly getting pushed down upon because of my atheism, nevertheless I smiled and shook my head, "Whatever happened to being Christ-like? Isn't that what your religion teaches you?" Silence, "Exactly. I may not believe in it, but I respect it enough to know at least that much. It's all about respect Chris, you respect my beliefs and I respect yours and we'll get along just fine." Chris groaned again and went back to his business.

Making my way over to Meg's room, I found Meg sitting in her chair crying her eyes out. Nothing unusual there, Meg's constantly crying over nonsense and feeling as if she's not wanted when all she really has to do is stop caring so damned much and live her life. I told her this multiple times and for awhile she listened, but like all things it didn't last long.

Eventually I made my way back downstairs to check on dinner, to find that it was ready. Chris and Meg had recently become more and more isolated in themselves and so didn't come to table as often as they used to. When I entered the kitchen, Lois, Peter and Stewie were sitting at the table patiently waiting for me. I sat down and respectively sat through as Peter blessed the food, quickly throwing in my two cents of participation and adding an Amen under my breath. Peter turned to me as he forked mashed potatoes in his mouth and spoke, "So how'd it go?" he asked, throwing me off guard, "What?" I said in turn. Peter smiled and playfully elbowed my shoulder, "Come on Brian, the speed dating. How was it?" I shrugged and gave the best answer that I wanted to give, "Okay I guess, could've been worse." Peter rolled his eyes; I could tell that he was searching for more information, so I gave him everything that I knew he would want to know, "Seven in total. One of them was crazy, another was dead, the third one was an artist and all the others weren't interested. I didn't get any phone numbers. I went in there with good intentions, I did bring a condom, I was not going to drug them and I did not bring up any subject about religion, politics, my writing or you guys." I took a deep breath, hoping that had satisfied Peter's curiosity but Peter, by the look in his eye, I could tell he had one more question.

Peter took a breath and held in like in the stereotypical cartoon fashion before asking his question, "Did you touch anything?" I was too surprised to say anything in way of the words and only slammed down my fork in response, "Peter!" Lois screamed as she ran over to Stewie and covered his ears, "In front of Stewie really?" Stewie rolled his eyes and lifted his fork to Lois' hand in an effort to stab her. I shook my head slowly at him, but Stewie only smiled and jabbed the fork as hard as he could in Lois' hand, causing her to scream and fall to the ground, "That's right bitch" Stewie replied, "no one tells me what I can and can't hear. In fact..." Stewie flipped Lois the bird and did the same to me and Peter, "Fuck you all to Hell!" Stewie continued as he stood up, "I'm going to bigger and better more interesting things. Like the Spanish Inquisition!" Peter shook this off as a mere joke but I knew that Stewie wasn't kidding. I also knew that as soon as he got there he would tortured to some degree, as a cruel joke and payback for Lois I decided not to mention this and let Stewie go upstairs to his room to do his business.

Lois stood up and wrapped her hand in a towel before sitting down to eat. The conversation thankfully switched from my day to Peter's day. The only interesting thing that Peter did was dress like a clown and scare little children by doing a reenactment of IT with Joe and Quagmire. On paper it sounded hilarious but the reality was more like Peter, Joe and Quagmire humiliating themselves on street corners as they conned people out of their money by pretending to be a traveling circus and only used the IT reenactment to cover up their embarrassment.

When dinner was over I walked into the living room and sat in front of the TV, trying to get my mind off of Holly and hoped that Jasper would pull through.


	3. Chapter 3

Ten minutes later my cell phone rang, answering it I prepared for the best for it couldn't have gotten any worse. Jasper was breathing excitedly on the other end, giving me hope, "What's up Jasper?" I asked eagerly, my tail wagging uncontrollably. "She changed her mind" he said, laughing and overcome with joy. Without hesitation I ran upstairs to grab my best clothes, "You're kidding?" I continued, "How'd you do it?" Jasper huffed as if I should already know the answer, "I told her you were a literary professor. I also said that you were a devout Christian."

I froze, stopping on my heels and falling over in the upstairs hallway in front of Chris' door. I picked up the phone once again and put it to my ear, "You what!" I screamed as loudly as possible, "It was the only way Brian" Jasper explained," She doesn't recognize atheism." This did nothing to comfort me and only got my angrier, "No. I can't do that. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm talking about the future mother of my children Jasper. I will not base that on a lie." Jasper sighed deeply, feeling ashamed that he had let me down, "Look just for this one date." Jasper replied, trying to pick up the ball he had dropped, "You can mull things over tomorrow and figure out you're next move." I shook my head in disbelief, but ultimately decided to play along for the sake of my probable future. "What do you suggest I do?" I asked, now completely lost. Jasper laughed and gave a straight answer, "Get yourself dressed, read the Commandments and the Book of John. She's going to quiz you on those. You might want to bring yourself some toys and extra condoms." I raised my eyebrows at the last part, "Why is that?" I asked, partially intrigued, "Because with what I have planned you're getting laid tonight" Jasper answered.

Standing up I spoke into the phone once more, "What time and where?" Jasper paused for a moment and came back, "The Little Italian Bistro, 11:30 pm." I looked at my watch and noticed that it was 9:30. "Okay" I said, "I'll be there." Jasper relaxed on the other end, "You'll see me at the counter. Horace and Joe are with us on this. We'll get you through. Just keep calm and play along with whatever goes on." I wrote down the address and hung up the phone.

Grabbing my suit from Peter's closet, I noticed that it was too sizes too big which meant that I had slimmed down and had gained some muscle. I rummaged through the closet to find my other suit, for I also had a brown one that I only wore once. Pulling out the brown suit and putting it on, I looked in the mirror and remembered the day I wore it...

It was a cold August morning. I had just been informed that my father, who I recently found living in a trailer park, had died. In the short time that I knew he was alive I rekindled my relationship with him, to the point where I was proud to be called his son, having forgiven him for not being there my entire life and abandoned my mother back in Texas. I was present at the funeral, Mom was too sick to go, a month later she too would be dead. I wanted to say something that day but I never got the chance, I even wrote a speech. It just didn't feel right, me speaking for someone that I barely knew but somehow my heart felt it was right. Jasper took my place instead that day.

Stewie came in the room, upon seeing me in the brown suit he gave a long exaggerated whistle, bringing me back to reality. "Well don't you look cute as a button?" Stewie said, putting me even more on edge than usual, "I am not cute" I said defensively, "At the very least I'm respectable. Handsome, that's not for you or me to say. But cute, no, I am never ever cute. Understand?" Stewie shrugged his shoulders and walked over planting his nose on my pant leg as he breathed in the musky smell of the suit. "You smell nice Brian" he said, adding his creepy emphasis on my name. "What do you want?" I asked extremely annoyed, "I'm kinda busy here." Stewie's eyes twinkled at bit as I looked down and gave his answer, "What are you getting dressed for?" I rolled my eyes and answered quickly, having no time to explain much of anything. I tried to give my answer in a way that Stewie would understand while also preventing any more questions, "I'm going on a date with this very nice girl I met today. This is very important to me and I can't mess this up. So I need you to do me a favor, okay?" Stewie nodded and leaned in, I kneeled down on one knee and continued, "I need you to get Lois' bible. I don't know where she keeps it." Stewie looked at me curiously, "What the hell do you want with Lois' bible for?" I stared at him sternly, "Watch your language Stewie. I can't tell you why I need it, I just do. Be a friend and get for me, don't tell anyone, alright?" Stewie nodded and hugged me, "Don't fail me buddy" I whispered as I broke the embrace and watched Stewie walk briskly out of the room.

Standing up and looking in the mirror on the closet door, I straightened my cuff links and my bow-tie, trying to look presentable. I looked at my watch again, it was 10:00. I breathed in; mentally prepared to violate everything I stood for. The things I do for love is amazing sometimes, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to learn the Commandments and read John in an hour and fifteen minutes, so I just decided that I was going to do the best I could and wing the rest.

Stewie came in with the Bible and handed it to me. I opened it to the first page of John and began reading. Stewie throughout this simply stared at me in wonder and amazement, behind him was Lois and the rest of the family, each of them going to do different things but collectively forgetting what those things were when they saw me sitting on the bed, reading the bible and occasionally looking at my watch.

Peter turned to Lois, tears were in his eyes. Lois was close to crying. Chris and Meg were each doing the Speak No Evil pose, while Stewie just stared. I looked up from reading, having just gotten into Chapter 3, "What are you guys staring at?" I asked, not understanding their reaction. Peter only walked over and pulled me in a bear hug, causing the rest of the family to do the same. "Praise the Lord on high" Peter exclaimed being dramatic for the sake of dramatic, "our Brian has finally found religion!" I hate you Jasper, I hate you so very much. I tried to the best of my ability to get out of the group hug, which only caused them to squeeze me tighter. "Don't fight it Brian" Meg said, "Yeah" Chris added, "This is a good thing." I struggled to breathe, it was all I could do to not start biting and clawing, but I resisted. "The only thing you guys are doing" I answered, "Is killing me softly you sick bastards!" At this Peter began singing the lyrics to "Killing Me Softly" with Lois following suit. "Alright that's enough!" I screamed before I brought my jaws on Peter's stomach and began clawing at Meg and Chris while my hind legs kicked Lois in the face. All of them let go of me and jumped back ten feet, giving me some much needed air space.

They were too shocked to do anything, much less get mad that I had attacked them. "Thank you" I said coldly, "if you don't mind listening to me for two fucking minutes I'll explain everything." Peter huffed, not understanding my meaning, "We saw you with the bible Brian, what did you expect us to think?" I couldn't argue with him there, but that's no reason to start making assumptions about me. "Look" I began sternly, "I'm not converted." I held up the bible and handed it back to Lois, "As for the suit" I continued, "I'm going on a date. Jasper thought it would be a good idea to tell her that I'm devout, so..." Peter nodded in understanding and finished my sentence for me, "You have to play along to get some pussy." I rolled my eyes annoyingly, hating that Peter saw it that way but not feeling or having enough energy to argue with him. "If that's how you see it Peter" I answered, "That's how you see it. But I'm not looking for that, not entirely, although it would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it." Stewie took to this like you would expect a one year old to take most things he didn't understand and simply ignored it. His tendencies to switch from genius to kid in seconds with no effort at all made absolutely no sense to me, but I didn't want to question it.

Soon enough it was 11:15. I slicked back the fur on my head, put on the nicest smelling cologne I had and hoped that this night would go as smoothly as I hoped it was going to go. Walking out the door, I made sure to follow Jasper's advice and slip two condoms in my pocket. Why he suggested to bring two I had no idea and personally I didn't care. I got in my car and drove off towards the restaurant.


	4. Chapter 4

The Little Italian Bistro was the fanciest restaurant in town. The outside of the building looked like shit, cleverly disguised as a Texas Roadhouse just to screw with people. The inside of the building though was a palace. With ceilings high enough to fit a second floor and third floor on, completely covered in random Roman and Greek sculptures and architecture it was easily the top of its class. Walking in and looking straight up you saw a large crystal chandelier, the desk in front of you was made out of dark polished oak, the floor had luxurious red carpet.

Seeing Jasper, disguised as a head waiter at the desk I walked over and nonchalantly asked for my table. "Of course sir" Jasper said, taking on his role, "Right this way." Jasper snapped his fingers and Joe and Horace, the bartender of the Calm, came running over, also dressed as waiters. Jasper turned to them and spoke French for some reason. Somehow Joe and Horace understood this and immediately put a bouquet of flowers and a full bottle of 1946 Charlemagne red wine in my hand before sending me away with Jasper.

As we walked over to the table I leaned over to Jasper, "You could've given me a warning about all this Jasper" I whispered, "Do you see all these people?" Jasper shook his head, "Come on Brian, you can't be afraid of people forever. What's the point of doing this if it's not grand?" I huffed in annoyance, "Grand? Is that what this is about, you making my date grand? This is supposed to be about me and her. I would've liked to get at least some say in this..." I paused and looked around; music could be heard playing in the background "Is that...Frank Sinatra?" Jasper nodded in agreement, "What's wrong?" he asked, "I thought you liked Old Blue Eyes?" I was just about to answer when we found the table. Holly was already seated, she was wearing red dress with a revealing silt down the back and had nothing on in the way of makeup of earrings. Looking at my hands I took the cue and handed the bouquet to her, which she accepted and set the wine on the table before sitting down.

No sooner did my ass hit the chair did Holly start asking me religious questions I couldn't answer. She obviously wasn't lying when she said she was devout, but this was just ridiculous. For one thing she was talking at a thousand miles a minute, so I couldn't even get a word in even if I wanted to and another thing was I couldn't stop staring at her teeth which were so prefect that they literally caused me temporary blindness. I was also afraid that she was going to be one of those extremely strict by the rules people when it came to hygiene, but then I remembered that she was an artist so it couldn't have been that bad.

Ten minutes had passed by and I hadn't uttered a sound. Thankfully, Joe came to the rescue with our order; apparently Jasper had taken the liberty of making my favorite food, a well done steak with garlic mashed potatoes and a side of A1. When Holly paused to take her plate, I bounced on the opportunity, "Can I say something?" I asked, leaned in and accidentally breaking the golden rule of personal space on dates. "Sure" Holly answered, "What is it?" I breathed in heavily, thankful that I got this far, "I think it's really great that you're so concerned with religion really I do. But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about you." Holly raised an eyebrow as she took a bite of her meal, a large shrimp with squid on the side, "Really? I thought we already did this." I shook my head and raised my hand stopping her, "No we didn't" I said with smile, "60 seconds isn't enough for me. Tell me something that I don't know about you. And try to be honest please." Holly chewed her food slowly like a cow eating its cud as she thought about what she was going to tell me. I, in turn, also thought what subject I should bring up. Only one thing crossed my mind.

Horace came in; behind him was a jazz band. Horace looked around the room and pulled out a conductor's wand as he led the band in a rendition of "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole. At that moment Holly appeared to be ready to talk again, but before she could I stood up and extended my hand, "Dance with me?" I asked gingerly. Holly shied away, "I don't dance" she replied, to which I only shook my head and pressed further, "Neither do I. We'll fail together." Holly rolled her eyes and took my hand if only to get it over with.

The middle of the room had been cleared out to make room for those who wanted to dance. So far we were the only ones out on the floor. We began slowly; I took the lead even though I had no idea what I was doing. Using the opportunity of awkwardness to get a word in, I started back up the previous conversation. "You were going to say something?" I asked, "Oh yes" Holly replied, "Something that you don't know about me...I was molested by my father at a young age." Okay, mood killer, I got one just as good if you're willing to hear it. "Let's see what else" she continued, "I used to be a guy." I seriously hoped that she was lying, for now I was starting to relive Ida and that was something that I wanted to forget with everything I had. To be sure, I looked her over, moving my eyes up and down her body, from her breasts all the way down. Everything seemed real to me. But then again, everything seemed real on Ida too. Sensing my discomfort, Holly laughed and gave an explanation, "I told you I was a compulsive liar... I was just testing you to see how much you could take." I rolled my eyes, for a moment hating her for lying to me like that but at the same time admiring her sick and twisted humor. "Please" I said, now begging, "say more things." Holly only laughed harder as we continued to dance around the room.

The song then abruptly changed to Huey Lewis and the News' "Shake Rattle and Roll." Why it was this song was a mystery to me but I remembered Jasper's words and simply, pardon the pun, rolled with it. Taking the cue, we began to do whatever we felt like doing. Oddly enough I found myself singing, which was weird because I'm not a fan of Huey Lewis and am not a swinger as the saying goes. I like things easy, really, really, really easy. _"I believe in my soul you're the devil in nylon hose. I believe in my soul you're the devil in nylon hose. Well the harder I work, the faster my money goes."_ Thankfully, Holly played along as I swept her through my legs as she followed through by flipping over my back and landing right in front of me. As we were dancing, some of the people in the crowd began clapping, while other got up and joined us. Joe, Jasper and Horace meanwhile, were at the front of the room, pretending to have no interest in the dance party that had commenced. We moved into the middle of the room and continued our routine; some of the other dancers recognized us as the leaders and graciously gave us enough space to move. For no reason at all we started spinning around in a random circle with no direction before finally easing ourselves out and repeating the flip routine we did before, only instead of Holly flipping over me she grabbed my ankles and flipped me over, forcing me to do a break-dance spin out of rhythm on my head in order to prevent myself from humiliatingly falling flat on my ass.

Getting back in the swing of things I once again picked up the song, it was in its fourth verse. _"Like a wide eyed cat, creeping in the seafood store. I got a wide eyed cat, creeping in the seafood store. Well I could look at you till you ain't no child no more." _I spun her around and proceeded with a side step routine, keeping things simple. _"Way over the hill, way down underneath. Way over the hill, way down underneath. You make me roll my eyes, baby make me grit my teeth."_ We picked up the dancing one more time, one allowing ourselves to spin circles into each other's arm and do the side step as we attempted to slow things down. _"I said shake, rattle and roll. I said shake, rattle and roll. I said shake, rattle and roll. Shake, rattle and roll. Well it won't do nothing to save your dog gone...Shake, rattle and roll!" _When it was over, both of us were breathing heavily and sweating, having else to do and in the awkward position of being in each other's arms we hugged ourselves out of the situation.

When we broke away, the crowd was cheering for us in a thunderous applause. Joe pulled out a microphone and gestured towards us, "Give them a hand everybody!" The clapping increased, "Ain't they just a lovely couple?" The crowd clapped some more, reminding me of the mob mentality of people and how easily they were swayed into cheering for us when in reality they didn't give a damn.

I walked her over back to our table and once again continued the dinner. "That was fun" Holly said, showing me her teeth, which now had become my second favorite feature, slightly behind her ocean blue eyes. "The most fun I had in a long while" I added, speaking the truth but playing it off as if it were nothing. Holly then leaned in, her hand touching mine. I thought she was leaning in for a kiss, but I wasn't stupid enough to actually move for it in the event that she wasn't in which case I would make a fool of myself. She then spoke to me, "Your turn. Tell me one thing that I don't know about you." I cast my eyes down, afraid to give my answer. From the corner of my eye I could see Jasper coming over, but I stopped him with the simple flick of my right ear, passing it off as me swatting a fly, for this was something I had to do on my own.

I sighed deeply and looked once again in those eyes; I was shaking out of nervousness and fear but forced myself to speak, "I'm an atheist." This was met with the thing that at the moment I feared more than anything, dead silence. Holly stared at me in disbelief and stood up, heading towards the door. Sparing no time, I followed her in a vain effort to stop her from simply leaving. "Holly please" I cried, "Don't leave!" Either she didn't hear me and walked out or she did and walked out anyway. I followed her outside, for there was no way in hell that I was going to let her leaving the building stop me.

Running outside I sprinted towards her while at the same time trying to come up with an explanation, even though I didn't really have one to speak of. "Wait! Can you at least let me explain?" I yelled, hoping that she would at the very least say something. Instead, Holly stopped in the parking lot, seven feet from my car, and turned around. "What do you want Brian?" she asked, her voice cold and unfeeling but still causing me to go weak in the knees. I knew right then that I would do anything to get her approval, even if it meant lying, but I wasn't going to lie, not yet. "I don't know" I began, "I can't give you a reason why I don't believe. I just don't. The best guess I can give that would satisfy you would be that I can't believe in God who would throw His creation into a world where violence, drugs, and war are a common occurrence. A world where people suffer every day, good people who've done nothing wrong and have only had love for the people they care about." Holly moved towards me, she was easily within kissing distance if I stretched out far enough. "You know what your problem is Brian" she said, "You only see the bad in the world. You don't stop to look at what you have and see the good."

Holly then turned around and began to walk away, but I was persistent and followed her. "Then help me" I pleaded, "Help me see the good in the world Holly, please." Holly rolled her eyes, stopped and met me again, accidentally causing me to brush against her, "You can't save something that doesn't want to be saved" she answered. She was going to be stubborn, so I played the only card I could and flat out lied in an effort to keep her from leaving. "What if I converted?" I said, "What if I accepted God right here and now? Then would you help me?" Holly smiled and shook her head, "No" she replied, "You wouldn't mean it." I now became desperate and grasped her shoulders locking her in place, "Please!" I shouted, tears were falling down my face and getting on my now ruffled suit jacket but I didn't care. "Don't leave me" I was shaking once again, "I can't...I can't lose you. You don't know how long it's been since I've been with anyone. Too long Holly, too fucking long. I'm tired of being alone. Just give me a chance." Holly only brushed me off and continued walking down the street.

Sighing I did the only I thing I could do. Before she got out of earshot I spoke again, "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous or conceited or proud. Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable, love does not keep a record of wrongs..." Holly turned around and stared directly at me, I ignored this, keeping my stare locked on her eyes and continued, "Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth." Holly moved towards me, her stance becoming more relaxed as I repeated what I knew from memory from reading Lois' bible, having accidentally read bits of Corinthians instead of John. "Love never gives up" I decided to stop quoting from there and speak from my heart, "The truth is that I love you Holly. I know it's sudden and unexpected the first time round but...I almost lost you tonight and I couldn't do that, if I did, I don't know what I'd do. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel the same and I'm not giving up until you walk down the aisle with me standing at the end of it in front of a priest."

Holly must have thought I was mentally insane, for that was the reaction I got. Despite this though, she seemed flattered by my words and definitely interested which made me hope that this could turn into something. This hope at the moment had only resided in my brain, for I didn't really believe in my heart that after this she would want to be anywhere near me ever again. Holly moved in and kissed me, it wasn't lovingly, more out of appreciation, but it was just enough to make my heart start hoping.

I offered Holly a ride back to the shelter but before I could get my car she was long gone. Jasper, Joe and Horace came outside; all of them had worried looks on their faces. "Brian I am so sorry I didn't think that-" Jasper began, but I lifted my hand stopping him, "What are you apologizing for? It wasn't your fault and I just had the best night of my life!" Jasper raised an eyebrow in confusion, "What you're okay with this?" I nodded in agreement, "Okay? I'm more than fucking okay Jasper. Way more than fucking okay, I feel like a king tonight!" Jasper looked at Joe with a worried look but Joe only smiled as he saw me doing a ridiculous interpretation of Gene Kelly as I walked down the street heading towards home. Horace then started laughing, followed quickly by Joe as they both realized that I left my car sitting in the parking lot.


	5. Part Two: Family

Part Two: Family

I walked around the living room and straightened up. Stewie had developed, like all kids his age, a bad habit of never cleaning anything up. Mentally taking on the role of Lois, I told myself that I was going to throw everything of Stewie's that I saw that wasn't in his room. The weird thing was that Stewie never seemed to have this problem before; he was always neat and has decent behavior to an extent, for there were times when he slipped back into his evil side. I personally thought that Stewie was completely reformed, the evilness having been replaced with something...it reminded me of Jasper.

Stewie came in the room, he wearing a Tina Turner outfit, for what purpose I don't know and I don't want to know. "What do you think Brian?" Stewie asked as he puckered his lips and shook his chest in a cheap intimation, causing me to throw up on the inside. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, forgetting Lois' rule about language simply spewing the first thing that came to my mind. Stewie laughed and walked over to me, he was strutting like a peacock for some reason, making his appearance more disturbing. "I'm hypnotizing you" Stewie answered as his eyes began bulging out of his head. "Well stop it" I replied, "its creepy...and disturbing." Stewie backed off and hung his head, "You don't like it" he said sadly, "I told Rupert that you wouldn't like it. I should've gone with Marilyn Monroe, but he pressed into it." This only made things creepier for Rupert was a doll and only alive in Stewie's imagination so this meant that for the better part of the morning, for I had only seen Stewie at breakfast, Stewie had been upstairs in his room talking to himself about which outfit he was going to wear. I also wouldn't be surprised if Stewie had a relationship with the bear on a deeper level, for at times he seemed too obsessive over the thing.

I sighed and shook my head; Stewie was doing the exact thing that was going to make Holly's visit tomorrow a nightmare from Hell. "Stewie" I said, trying to be as calm as possible, "This may be hard for you to understand but...I'm straight." I always knew that Stewie had those feelings for me, it didn't take an idiot to see that, but personally I found the whole thing off putting. There were times when I wasn't sure who Stewie was trying to be, it was as if he put on these personas in order to make himself feel better. It was sad. I had seen Stewie do this more times than I would care to. Stewie has dressed in numerous outfits and has taken on so many identities that I'm starting to believe that he has severe bi-polar disorder or even worse schizophrenia. I told this to both Lois and Peter, who immediately took Stewie to Doctor Green, the Quahog psychologist. The results for schizophrenia came back positive.

I pulled out a small medication bottle that Green had given me, which I kept under my collar, and handed a pill to Stewie. "Come on Stewie" I exclaimed, "It's time for your medicine." Stewie shook his head and puckered his lips, "I don't wanna!" he answered playfully. I pressed harder and placed the pill closer to his mouth, "Stewie" I began once again, "if you don't take this you're going to start seeing things and this personality thing is only going to get worse." Stewie still resisted and placed his hands over his mouth. I stood up and looked towards the kitchen, "Lois!" I screamed into the next room. This was all it took for Stewie to grab the pill and pop it in his mouth, for Lois turned into a disciplinarian when it came to Stewie taking his meds.

Almost as soon as Stewie took the pill, he had returned to his old self. Closing the bottle, I gently patted Stewie's head and told him to go get dressed. Stewie nodded obediently and headed upstairs while I continued picking the room, placing Stewie's toys in the small toy chest that Lois had put in the living room.

Looking around I finally decided to stop working and simply watch TV. Turning on the Channel 5 News by chance, having randomly come across it while flipping through channels, I found myself listening to Tom Tucker. "In the news over the past weekend, a calm, quiet evening at the famous Little Italian Bistro turned into a night to remember for local dog Brian Griffin. Our Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa is on the scene." Before I could even blink I had already dialed the Channel 5 News' number, my nostrils were flaring, my eyes were blood red, my canines were sharpened to a point and I had an extreme urge to kill something. The phone on the anchor desk ringed three times before Tom answered it. "It looks like we have a call" Tom said to the TV as he picked it up, "Hello, this is Tom Tucker, Channel 5 News." I nodded in understanding as he said this and immediately barked into the receiver, physically and mentally unable to actually speak anything in the way of words. "Hello?" Tom continued, "Who is this?" I shook my head in disbelief and answered him, "This is Brian Griffin you fucking assholes. Personally I don't appreciate the news broadcasting my personal life on TV to the entire fucking city." Tom laughed, refusing to believe that it was me on the phone, "Alright who is this is really?" he asked.

I began pacing the living room, the claws on my hind legs were digging in the carpet, "This is Brian Griffin!" I repeated, "Shut down this broadcast right now." Tom shook his head, "I'm sorry Brian, but I can't do that. We already have Trisha on the scene; we have to do the story." I threw the remote at the TV, breaking the screen and causing the remote to stick in the upper right hand corner. Somehow the TV was still functioning."Then come over to my house and give me a damned interview Tucker!" I shouted, not caring about common courtesy, "Last night wasn't some fucking storybook fairy tale, it was my life! Me living my life and for the first time in a long time I was happier than I've ever been." The News channel was ignoring the phone call completely and showing footage of me and Holly dancing throughout the restaurant. This only got me more enraged, "You're a bunch of fucking bastards you know that?" Tom kept a straight face and asked an even straighter question, "Who's the girl Brian?"

I closed my eyes and breathed in, deciding that it would be better if I calmed down as the footage continued. "I'll tell you who she is" I began, "That's the girl who changed my life. In one night I was this close...this close to actually believing in something. In fact let me rephrase that another way Tom. Today was the day that for months I had planned on committing suicide. There would be no will, no letter or explanation. I would just be gone. But here I am...talking to you. Does that answer your question Mr. Tucker?"

I hung up the phone and stared at the TV. Tom and Trisha, who was also listening in to the conversation were completely speechless. "Hey Tony?" Tom said, talking to the cameraman, "How many people can see this? All of Rhode Island, really, we cover that big an area? Since when has Rhode Island been the smallest state? Oh, always...I see, not really much of a big deal as I thought we were then. Okay..." Tom shook his head and got back on subject, whatever subject that was. "Ladies and Gentleman, if you will join in congratulating Brian on his newfound happiness, may it open doors and windows for him, things that he never thought were possible. And maybe, God will come knocking on his door."

I ran over and turned off the TV as quickly as I could. "Damn it Tucker!" I shouted to myself, "always dragging fucking religion into every fucking broadcast." After several seconds I stared at the black TV, the remote was lodged permanently in the upper left hand corner of the screen. "Holy shit" I said as I walked over to the TV and examined it, "I destroyed the fucking TV...Peter's going to kill me when he sees this!" I tried and obviously failed to cover up the broken TV, only resulting in glass to spill all over the floor and render the TV completely useless and destroyed. After the glass was swept, I carried the TV, which was heavier than I anticipated, to the garbage can out front and brought the smaller TV from Lois and Peter's bedroom to the living room. Five minutes later, I had the TV working. It would be extremely noticeable but it would at least buy me some time until I could buy a new one.

I walked into the kitchen. Peter, Meg and Chris were sitting around the table. Lois was over to the sink and prepared dinner while I sat in my usual chair and said nothing. "So Chris, Meg" Peter began, "What did you guys do today? Anything interesting?" Chris and Meg shrugged, being indifferent and replied in a monotone voice, "Nothing." Peter turned towards me, "So how'd your date go last night Brian?" I raised my eyebrows in confusion, surprised that they hadn't heard the broadcast or my screaming from the other room. I shook this off and decided to play along in an effort to surprise them. "Great" I said, "I invited her over for dinner tomorrow night." Meg instantly perked up, apparently thinking that she could find a friend in Holly even though she had no idea who she was. Chris rolled his eyes, extremely annoyed that he was going to have to go through this process again. "Is she another whore that you picked up in a bar, Brian? Cause that doesn't really count if you're paying her to suck your dick." I stared as sternly as I could at Chris, trying not to overshadow Peter, "No" I answered, "She's different, Chris. Much different..."

Lois sat down at her end of the table and joined the conversation, "Joe told me that when you left you were so excited that you forget your car at the restaurant." I shook my head, not believing that I had done that while also not believing that I went home alone that night. It was as if my search for love had changed my outlook on what I saw in people, what I expected to receive. "Wow" Peter replied, "You must have been floating on air." I laughed for he couldn't have been farther from the truth. It was more like I was on the Moon. "Not even close Peter" I stated, "I wasn't even on the planet. You don't how long it's been since I felt this way. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this way. For the first time I feel as if everything's coming together." Lois and Peter smiled, Meg's eyes only twinkled, and Chris remained indifferent. "Well we're happy for you Brian" Lois said, "Is there anything we should know about her?"

I shrugged, for I had no idea where to begin. I figured I'd start at the obvious place and work my way up from what I knew. "She's a Border Collie for one thing" I began, breaking the ice and getting a look from everyone expect Lois. "She's also a compulsive liar, a devout Christian..." Peter stopped me at this part, "Wait a minute, you're dating a devout Christian?" I nodded, "Is there a problem?" Peter shook his head, "No, I just...didn't think you would..." I cut him off defensively, "What? Have anything in common with her? Peter if I let that be a factor in the women I date I'd be alone forever. At the end of the day what they believe doesn't matter to me. As long as she respects my beliefs." Peter leaned in, hoping that I would continue, when I didn't he began pressing. "Well does she?" I sighed, for I honestly didn't know the answer, so I played it safe. "No she doesn't." Peter only hung his head and said nothing.

I shook this off and steered the conversation in a new direction, "It doesn't matter. We'll find a way past it and if we can't, then maybe I was really meant to die alone. But I'll be damned if I'm goanna let this chance go by without me taking a running start towards it. I need this to work guys. So I really need you to try and not be yourselves for one night. After that I could care less." Peter and the others nodded in understanding, "Whatever you need buddy" Peter replied, "Just say the word and we'll do it." I looked around and saw that everyone was in agreement. I first turned to Lois, "I want Stewie out of the house. Take him over to Bonnie's or something whatever you have to do, just do it alright?" Lois nodded once again, I turned to Chris, "Chris, I need you to look presentable. Get your best suit, if you don't have a suit, borrow one of Peter's but you are at all times to remain dignified and respectful." Chris gave a quick salute and ran upstairs to fetch a suit. I turned towards Meg, "Listen Meg, you have the most important job of all. Go in the living room and get in touch with Tom Tucker." Meg raised her eyebrows at this, "Why?" she asked. "I'm goanna kill that son of a bitch for getting involved in my personal life" I answered sharply, "Now get to it." Meg obediently walked into the living room and called Tucker. I personally had no idea why they were what they were doing the very minute I asked them, for the date wasn't until tomorrow, but I figured that it would at least keep them occupied and between you and me, I really wanted to kick Tom's teeth in.

Peter excitedly rapped on the table, "What do I get to do? I want it to be something fun. Come on lay it on it me Brian, lay it on me." I shrugged and slapped Peter as hard as I could in the face and leaned in, a slight growl came from my throat to show that I was serious. "I don't want to hear a sound out of you Peter" I exclaimed as I unsheathed my claws and grabbed his throat, "Do you understand me? I can't have you fucking this up for me. I need this. If I hear one joke, one rude comment or even a breath that even sounds remotely wrong or inappropriate I will rip off your dick and make you eat it!" Peter was sweating nervously, I threw him back in his chair, "Are we clear Peter?" Peter nodded in understanding but kept his gaze down, "Look me in the eyes and answer me goddamn it! Are...we...clear?" Peter looked up, breathed in and spoke, "I promise Brian. I'll be good. More than good...you deserve that." I smiled and stood up from my chair as I walked outside for a quick walk around the neighborhood.


	6. Chapter 6

To tell you the truth, I'm a little nervous. The last time I brought someone over; they ran out crying and screaming bloody murder. I think the thing that did it was that she thought I was a human stuck in a dog suit, which would've been funny if she didn't actually believe that and I was stupid enough to tell her otherwise. But Peter was no help in that regard either, for he constantly kept talking about her breasts, which were in truth, quite large and round in appearance. Even Lois couldn't help but stare longingly at them. I was hoping that this time would be different, that this time I would actually get to have a normal family. I do feel guilty for sending Stewie out of the house but I couldn't take any chances of him making things worse.

As I was cleaning my suit for the evening, I came upon the speech that I wrote for my Dad's funeral. It was the speech I never got to read and the only thing of my Dad that I have left. I remembered the day that I finally got to meet him. Besides the day that I met Holly, it was the best day of my life.

I found him on the way back from a family trip to the Grand Canyon; we had stopped in a trailer park to ask for directions back to the main highway, having been going in circles for hours on end. The only way I recognized him at all was because aside from the grey hairs, he was the splitting image of me. As soon as he saw me, Dad broke down and ran towards me. He didn't say anything but I knew that in his own way he was asking for my forgiveness. "It's okay Dad" I said as I returned the embrace, "I forgive you." Dad only smiled, he was missing most of his teeth, but it was the happiest smile that I've ever seen.

Five days later Dad was home with me and the family. He didn't speak to any of us, only brushing up against me lovingly and keeping that smile on his face. I knew that he didn't have much time left; at best I figured he would be gone at the end of the week. I tried to make his remaining days as comfortable as possible; I took him on walks, fed him and even cleaned up after him. I thought that everything I was doing was helping him, for Dad seemed to be getting better as the days wore on, but I think it was just him being with me that made his last day the most peaceful one.

I wasn't with Dad when he passed. That is something that I regret every day. Instead of tending to him in his final hours, I was off with Stewie on a nonsense mission that had no meaning. Dad died in his sleep inside a cage at the Quahog pound at 7:30 at night. He died alone, but by the smile on his face I could tell that he died happily, for tucked inside his collar was a picture of me, taken when I was but an hour old.

I shook my head, bringing me back to reality; I was still clutching the speech in my hand. I folded it up and placed it back in the suit pocket and gently patted. I then began to do something that I never thought I'd do, I began to pray. I don't know who I was praying to. I'd like to think it was Dad but my heart knew better. "I don't even know what I'm doing" I began, "But right now, I need my Dad. Just have him come down for a few hours, that is all I'll need. Can you do that for me?" I was met with silence. I had never more confused in my life than I was at that moment in time. I thought that when people prayed to God that God would listen and give them what they wanted. I found out the hard way that was not the case.

Walking downstairs I found Chris standing at the front door waiting to open it, Meg was standing next to Tom Tucker, Peter was in the living room trying not to move and Lois was cooking a turkey in the kitchen. Everything seemed perfect. I turned towards Tom and who hung his head in shame, "There's only one reason why you could've invited me here" Tom said, "You're mad about the broadcast aren't you?" I huffed, "Saying that I'm mad is an understatement. I'm fucking pissed Tom. You made a show out of my life and I won't stand for it. So you're going to get what you deserve." Tom sighed heavily and leaned his head down close enough to where I could punch him in the face if I wanted to. Instead, I only pointed towards the door, "Get the fuck out of here Tom" I replied, "I don't want to see you talk about me again until I drop dead. When I'm dead, you can say all the shit or all the praise you want. But otherwise I really don't care about your stupid news station and your creepy ass 1970s white-guy-who-has-a-white-van-and-gives-out-candy mustache." Tom stared at me as if he had just been ripped off, then I swung a right hook square in his jaw.

Tom fell to the floor with a broken jaw and a bleeding nose. I gave a low growl which sent him scurrying out the door. I looked down at my hand and noticed that I had taken some of Tom's teeth with me. Mission accomplished.

With that piece of business out of the way it was time to get ready for the main event. I turned to Meg, who I realized hadn't officially been given anything of real importance to do yet and so putting for a moment at least, Meg's best interests first I gave her something to do. "Meg" I began, "I need you to do something else for me. This time it's really important." Meg leaned in half heartedly and I spoke again, "I need you to keep Holly busy. I have something planned. When I walk out of the room to take out the trash, talk her up. Say anything that you like. Can you do that for me?" Meg nodded in understanding, "Sure thing Brian. But what do you have planned?" I cringed for honestly I had no idea if it was going to work and I wasn't sure if it even good, but I figured I'd get it a shot. "I'm going to sing, nothing too strong but something just right to let her know that I'm serious." Meg only smiled in understanding and said nothing more.

Twenty five minutes later a knock came at the door. I immediately became sick but decided to suppress any unnecessary bowel movements and do what I have done countless times before and swallow my pride. I took in a deep breath and signaled to Chris, who opened the door to find Holly standing in the doorway. Holly walked through the living room and stared at Chris and laughed, "What's up with the fat butler?" she asked as she stifled a laugh and turned to me, "And why are you in that suit again? Are you trying to keep up appearances or something? Trust me; you're setting the bar way to high." I had no idea where this attitude was coming from; I assumed that she was putting on this persona as part of an elaborate lie. Holly brushed up against me close, sending a shiver up my spine and several signals telling me to go for it later that night, but her body language immediately killed that feeling, it was cold and obviously not having a good time.

I couldn't help but feel as if I was pushing things too hard. One look around the room told me that I was doing just that. Here I was dressed in a suit, Chris, Peter, Meg and Lois were also dressed up, above the TV was a single candle, in the kitchen we had the good tablecloths out, the fine china, garland strewn around the cabinets. Another look around the room told me that if anyone was going to push Holly away it was going to be me. It wasn't going to be Peter with his obscene jokes or Lois' efforts and trying to talk me up, it was going to be my gestures. And considering what I had planned, there was no way that this relationship, if you could call it that was ever going to get off the ground. Taking this in, I did the only thing I could do. I walked upstairs, changed out of my suit, pulled out the speech and grabbed Lois' Bible, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a drawing pad, a pencil and a copy of my book.

I looked myself over and realized that out of the many things that I am, one of them is that I'm a dog and therefore don't have pockets or anything of the sort to carry anything in. I rummaged through Peter's closet and found an old trench coat, another relic from Dad. Having no time to look through anything I put on the trench coat, relived to find that it fit and put the cigarettes, the lighter and the book in the pockets before heading downstairs.

When I came back, I found Holly already sitting at the kitchen table talking to the family. From the looks of things they seemed to be getting along, I leaned in closer without actually entered the room or being seen to listen in on their conversation to try and pick up on topics...

"So I hear you're an artist" Peter began, "What kind of things do you do?"

"Anything" Holly answered, "Mostly landscapes but I'm working on a portrait at the moment though."

Chris huffed, obviously not interested in art or anything worth real measure or time, "You're an artist?" he replied, "and here I thought you were just a stuck up bitch with low standards."

I don't know what prompted Chris to say it, but he said it. I was just about to enter the room when Holly beat me to the punch.

"Excuse me" Holly said with a slight growl, "I do believe that Brian is the one with low standards."

Okay. Have no idea where this is going but I'll take it as a compliment.

"I mean look at me" Holly continued, "I'm a selfish bimbo who pressures people into doing things they obviously don't want to do. I'm egotistical, I have no sense of style, the veterinarians are threatening to euthanatize me for reasons I have yet to understand and...I can't stand Brian."

Weather it was a lie or not it hurt me. I huffed at my own stupidity as I looked myself over and took off the trench coat and pulled out the replacement collar that Peter had bought me the day before. I then began thinking about how self conscious she was, she didn't seem that way at the restaurant, but maybe that was a lie, maybe she was just testing me and if that was the case, I was failing. It took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and for me to calm down and not burst into a fit of rage, something that I knew from experience on both ends that can only badly.

As soon as I walked in and sat down the conversation stopped. Lois then began passing out the food, "I hope you like turkey" Lois began, "Cause that's what we're having." Holly's eyes light up at the prospect of turkey, causing mine to do so as well. Holly caught this and calmed down but that didn't mean that my perspective of things changed. Holly looked me over and nodded in apparent approval, "You look nice when you're not cramped in a monkey suit Brian." I laughed gingerly and shrugged to show that it was no big deal and to be honest it really wasn't, but then I remembered that she couldn't stand me. And you know what? That's okay, it only means I'll have to try a little bit harder and besides there would be no story if this relationship was going to be easy.

Once dinner was served we began talking, Lois, ever the conversationalist, began the conversation, "So Holly why don't you tell us about yourself?" She said this as if she was trying to hit on her, something that I found extremely uncomfortable; fortunately Holly was smart enough never to answer the same question twice in a week. "Brian didn't tell you about me?" Holly asked as she shot a glaring look from Hell my way, "Oh no" Lois replied, "He did. I just figured that we'd get things from your perspective." Holly huffed, "Ms. Griffin, if this is how you're going to be I don't see how Brian and I are ever going to have children." I was in the middle of eating when she started to speak, when the word "children" came up I was choking on turkey and my swallowed fork. Chris gave a quick, hard pat on my back which sent both turkey and fork across the room. I could barely breathe, let alone stay in my chair. "Are you alright?" Holly asked either with feigned or sincere concern, I couldn't be sure. The only response I was able to give was a small wheeze.

To get myself back in order I left the room. Sitting on the couch I tried to get think of the ways that I could approach the issue. On one hand I wanted it more than anything, but on the other Holly just said that she couldn't stand me, so why would she say what she said? I saw only two possibilities, Holly was lying when she said she couldn't stand me, something that I hoped to believe or she was lying about the children thing, something that I also wanted to believe. But then again the children wasn't directed at me but Lois, which means that somehow, for some strange reason Lois is the deciding factor for completing my lifelong dream which is just as crazy as the actual dream sounds at the moment.

There were only two people I could talk when all else fails, Stewie and Jasper. Since I knew Jasper just got off a 48 hour shift I knew that turning to him would be a nightmare in itself. That left Stewie, which was also a nightmare for Stewie was at best, terrible when it came to these things. Seeing no other options I pulled out my cell phone from nowhere in particular and called Bonnie's house. For some reason, Stewie answered the phone. Before I could let him get a word or complain about anything I spoke first, "Stewie listen to me, don't say anything. Holly's talking kids' man! I don't know if she's serious but I'm scared as shit right now." Stewie sighed on the other line, "Did you fuck her yet?" he asked, "Because if you haven't fucked her yet there's your problem Brian. As soon as you do that, kids are out the window." I failed to see Stewie's reasoning but he did have a point, things always changed after sex.

This was not the response I was hoping or expecting from Stewie. As far as I could tell he had no knowledge of Holly or even that I was dating again. Before Stewie could drag me back into a long winded pointless conversation I hung up the phone, secretly promising that I would spend some time with him later. This reassurance, what little it provided, was comforting enough to bring me back in the kitchen.

Sitting down once again the conversation found its way into Peter's hands. I prayed to whoever was listening that this would go well. Peter turned to Holly and pressed his stupid button, "So" he began, "The four breasts thing? How's that working for yah?" There weren't enough words to say what I wanted to say, I could only give a blank stare as if I couldn't believe what I just heard. Holly had the same expression but she followed it, "Excuse me?" she said, "Did you just say what I think you just said?" Peter nodded and repeated his question, this time slower, "How...are...your-" I cleared my throat and made a slashing motion with my hand to try and signal Peter that it was time for him to stop talking but Peter must've had his stupid button set to overdrive because he just kept on talking, this time he turned to me. "When are you going to hit that?" he asked, "I mean four breasts, come on that's got to be awesome!" I breathed in slowly, trying to come up with a reasonable answer that wouldn't enough using every cuss word in every language I knew but came up with nothing. Holly stood up, obviously insulted, her eyes red with tears and a face that said everything else, walked out of the side door.

I turned towards Peter, I wasn't going to hit him, I wasn't going to berate or insult him, what I had in mind was much worse. "I want out of this family" I began, "I don't care what it is I have to fucking do I want you people out of my life!" I walked around to Peter to make it more personal and continued, "All I asked you to do was one thing Peter. One thing! Shut up. Is that so hard? Do you want to see me die alone is that it?" Peter hung his head in shame, as did everyone else for this was just as much their fault as it was Peter's for not stopping him, which meant that I was equally as guilty. "I don't know Brian" Peter answered, "I just thought that-" I shook my head in disbelief, not wanting to hear an explanation, "It doesn't matter what you thought Peter. Because of you...because of me I lost my one shot at happiness." I slowly began to calm down, "My life is over. Our lives are over. I don't want to be a part of this anymore." All of them stared at me as if I had given them all a death sentence, "I need this" I continued, "If I'm ever going to have a chance. I need this. I have to go, and I'm never coming back."

I didn't bother to wait until morning to leave or for Stewie to return. I packed everything of value that I had, all of my Dad's things that I had acquired and a small bundle of cash that I had saved into a bag and stood at the door. I looked around one last time and without saying a word to anybody, left the Griffin house forever.


	7. Part Three: Responsibility

Part Three: Responsibility

"What do you mean you're going?" Stewie asked over the phone just as I stepped on the first bus out of Quahog, "I'm going Stewie" I answered, "I'm not coming back. There are just too many things going on right now. I have to deal with this in my own way on my own time." I could hear Stewie crying on the other end, I didn't flinch or so much as feel anything in the way of remorse or sadness for I recognized Stewie's cries to tell that he was faking in an effort to stop me. "Listen buddy" I continued trying to calm him down, "I love you, I want you to know that. Because you're never going to see me again, I will always cherish what we had-" Stewie screamed cutting me off, "Fuck you Brian! Fuck you and your whore of a girlfriend. I hope you're happy with her."

I shook my head out of pity and sighed deeply, "There's no more us- Holly and me, I called her up, she broke up with me." Stewie immediately became hopeful at this, "So that means you can come back right? You can come back and we can be together." I couldn't tell what Stewie meant by this, I assumed as boy and dog kind of relationship but it was more than likely in his mind a physical one, even so I denied him. "It's not that simple Stewie. I can't come back...not after what happened. If I do I'll never get to have my dream and I don't want it to just be a dream anymore, I want it to be my life." Stewie started crying again, this time louder than before, "How can you be so selfish!" he cried, "Is that all you ever think about-yourself? What about me? What about Lois, Peter, Chris and Meg? We're your family Brian! You're just going to throw that all away for some stupid dream that you'll never be able to achieve!"

I stopped him there, wanting to catch his meaning, "What did you mean by that?" I asked, "Oh come on Brian" Stewie replied, "If you haven't found someone by now you never will. It's hopeless. Come back...come home Brian. I don't want you to throw your life away." I shook my head in disagreement, "I'm not throwing anything away Stewie. I never have and I never will. I love you buddy, goodbye." Stewie started to say something else but I hung before I could hear it. I was half tempted to call him back just so he could say what was on his mind, but I decided against it. I didn't need all this drama in my life right now, I just wanted some peace.

For the record, wherever I end up I have full intention of coming back to Quahog. I will never live under the same roof again, but no matter what the Griffins will always be my family.

By the time the bus crossed the Rhode Island border entering Connecticut it had picked up a passenger, Ernie the Giant Chicken. Ignoring him for the time being I began to look through some of Dad's things: an old trench coat, an acoustic guitar, a small gold ring, a cigar stub and an old book that had the cover partially torn off. Looking at the book, I noticed that the title was so faded that it was almost impossible to see what the book was. Shrugging I simply decided to open it.

The first page had a short message to me, "Thought you'd like this. Take the time to notice the little things in life, for the little things make the big things worthwhile. And always remember Brian, whatever you do, whoever you become and wherever you end up, I love you." I had no idea that Dad was gifted with words or that he had such a philosophy on life and how to live it. It was also comforting to know that Dad would love me unconditionally, having that, especially now, means more to me than seeing him does. Taking Dad's advice I opened the first page and began reading.

Immediately I noticed that the book was Dad's journal, but it was written in story format. He replaced himself with a middle aged Oklahoma farmer named Jessie who falls in love with Harriet, a simple Texas girl. Why he chose himself to be an Oklahoma farmer I'll never know and I don't care to know. I can proudly say without a doubt that Dad is a better writer than me. But then again maybe it's just a son being proud of his father and if it is then the world makes sense for the moment and if it's not then the world still makes sense because it doesn't change the fact that Dad being a better writer than me is absolutely true.

Four hours in, Ernie moved up a seat and sat next to me. To be honest I never really knew Ernie on a business or personal level, Peter knows him like the back of his hand though, which is surprising considering how many times they destroy entire city blocks and murder thousands of people unintentionally through their ridiculous and often laughable fist fights. "Whatcha reading?" Ernie asked, "Anything good?" I shifted over to one side to have my privacy; "Sorry" Ernie said sadly, "Just trying to make conversation is all." I closed the book as hard as I could which sent dust up in the air and Ernie to jump back a few seats. I turned around, set the book down and stared at Ernie," Okay then, let's talk" I extended my hand as warmly as I could, "Brian Griffin." Ernie stared at me as if I were about to shoot him and cautiously extended his wing, "Ernie" he answered, "just Ernie." I laughed at his meagerness for Ernie, as his call sign implies, was a giant chicken. "Why are you so afraid of me?" I asked curiously, "You're a giant chicken for fuck's sake!" Ernie laughed and rubbed his wings as if he was cold even though it was in the middle of summer, "Yeah" he said softly, "I'm pretty pathetic aren't I?" I shook my head, "No you're not" I replied trying to be encouraging, "You just got to man up is all..."

Ernie cast his eyes down and fiddled with his wing tips, saying nothing. Ernie pulled out a picture and handed it to me, the picture was of him and a younger rooster, "That's my son" Ernie exclaimed, "My little Jamie." Tears were in his eyes as he mentioned his son's name, making me think that the unthinkable happened, "He died yesterday, going to see him before they finish him up." I raised my eyebrows, confused by what he was talking about; Ernie saw this and gave an explanation, "They decided to process him. Ship him out in various parts all over the world. I wanted him to be buried, but the farmers wouldn't allow it, they said that they couldn't waste good meat like that." Ernie wiped his eyes, "All well" he concluded, "At least he'll be feeding people, doing good, makes me proud I guess." I nodded pretending to understand even though I really didn't, I also knew that nothing I could say would make whatever pain he was feeling go away, so I remained silent.

By the time we neared our final destination, Ernie was on his cell phone talking to someone, from the looks of the conversation it was someone he was intimate with, very intimate with. "I don't care what it he says" Ernie said softly, "Don't you understand? Jamie was my son. I have to be there. I know...promise me something baby, don't go back to him...Come back to me, we can start over. I'm different now, me and Griffin are fine. No, Nicole don't hang up, don't back to Eric either...Cause he'll hurt you. I know he will-" Ernie looked at his phone in disbelief as Nicole hung up on him, he then began laughing, "That ever happen to you?" he asked as he casually crossed his legs. "Yeah" I answered, "Just the other day actually. Dumped me right on the spot, fucking broke my heart she did." I had no idea why I started talking as I had forgotten proper English, but it happened. "Life's a bitch ain't it?" Ernie replied, "It sure is Ernie" I added, "Its hell too...most people don't know that."

Ten minutes later the bus had made its final stop. Getting off and looking around I saw that we, meaning myself, Ernie and the bus driver, were in the middle of nowhere, but before I ask the driver if this was the right place or at least where the nearest town was he had driven off back to Rhode Island. I turned to Ernie, "Wanna montage our way out of this?" I asked, hoping that he would agree, for the montage method only works if you have two people, "I don't sing" Ernie replied, "You don't have to sing" I reassured, "I'll sing and you can just dance." Ernie shook his head, "I don't dance either. Performing isn't really my strong suit." He could've convinced me otherwise considering how many times he came back from the dead, if that isn't performing I don't know what is.

Every montage has terrible 80's music to accompany it. I decided to pick one of the songs that in some ways it's so bad it's good, "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. I pulled out my I Pod, which only for the sake of convenience had the song on repeat in case the montage took longer than expected. As soon as the song began I blasted the speakers and began dancing, running, leaping and basically anything to get the montage to work. Ernie, seeing no other option, shrugged his shoulders and followed suit. For a guy who claims that he can't dance, he can dance. Then for no reason at all he starting singing the song, making the montage and us go even faster, for a guy who says he can't sing, he can sing.

_"Out along the edges, always where I burn to be. The further on the edge, the hotter the intensity." _By this time we were already in already in Southern New York heading south, _"Highway to the danger zone. Goanna take you right into the danger zone. Highway to the danger zone, I'll take you right into the danger zone."_ Outside of Pennsylvania,_ "Highway to the danger zone, right into the danger zone." _Stoolbend Virginia quickly passed that up._ "Highway to the danger zone. Right into the danger zone..."_ Finally we made it to our destination, or at least where we were to part ways for I had no set plan of action. Ernie turned to me, he was breathing heavily and sweating, "Damn" he exclaimed, "That was fast!" I laughed and shook my head knowingly, "Fucking montages man. You gotta love em!"

Ernie returned my laugh and looked down the small country road; to the right was a sign that said Welcome to North Carolina. "Where exactly are we?" I asked looking both directions and finding nothing in the way of civilization, "The farm's about five miles away" Ernie answered, "Just beyond that is Harrisburg." Ernie looked questioningly at me, "So where are you going?" he asked his voice full of concern, "Wherever the wind takes me Ernie" I answered as I faced the opposite direction. Before I could so much as move Ernie stopped me, "Why don't you come with me?" he said practically begging me to take him on, "You can meet the family. Stay the night. It's a long ways away from anything that way." I sighed and turned back to Ernie, "One night Ernie" I said, "That's it."


	8. Chapter 8

Let me say this, Ernie's family is annoying as hell. For starters the guy has three sons: Earl, Ernie Jr. and Luke. They're okay, and then we get to his daughters: Lacy, Julie, Holly (it pained me a bit to figure that one out) and Janice. They were all over me, and not in the good way, I mean they practically mauled me to death. The worst part though was Justin, Ernie's brother.

Justin was the staple of annoying older brother in every way. Not only did he have the stereotypical high school football jock behavior with the red letter jacket to match but Justin talked to every person he met as if he were the smartest guy in the world and everyone else was mentally retarded. Also he never seemed to get my name right. I'm not some Italian named Antonio Donate-Fernando Corolla or some shit, I'm Brian.

"Hey Brain" Justin said almost as soon as I introduced myself, "Have you heard about Old Yeller?" I stared at him as if he were mentally insane and slowly nodded, "Were you sad when that happened?" he continued. "Please tell me you're joking. And it's Brian" I replied, Justin nodded his head in disagreement, "No I'm not joking. Were you sad when Yeller died?" I sighed deeply, feeling both pity for Ernie that this guy was related to him and disbelief that someone could be so stupid, "If I say yes will you leave me alone?" I asked hopefully getting no response. "Okay" I concluded, "Yes I was very sad. Goodbye you fucking retard." I started to walk forward towards the house but Justin stopped me, "Hey Brain. Have you met Victoria?" I figured Victoria was just another set up for a stupid comment or one of Ernie's siblings. Justin however was persistent, "Have you met her?" he asked more intently. "No" I answered, "If I do will you stop bothering me?" Justin nodded and ushered me towards a large open field. Ernie saw this and immediately got in front of Justin, blocking our path, "What do you think you're doing?" Ernie asked looking down at me with concern and then back at Justin. "Nothing bro" Justin began, "Just taking Brain here out to see Victoria." I looked at Justin annoyingly, "I'm sorry who are you talking too? My name is Brian, what's yours? I don't see an "I'm A Fucking Retard" Sign on your forehead so you must be a genius right?" Justin shook this off and ignored me completely, "Whatever Brain. Now shut up and let's go meet Victoria."

At this point I really didn't care who Victoria was and just wanted to get away from Justin. Thankfully, Ernie saw this and pulled me away as fast as he could and punched Justin straight in the beak. "Sorry about that" Ernie said as he helped me up, "He gets a little excited at times." I brushed myself off as best I could and headed towards the house.

These people don't believe in electricity. Ernie said it was because an electric fire scared them all shitless and now they're terrified of all technology, reverting back to candles and gas. The candle in this small room is about to go out, so I can only write so much. I plan to be gone before sunrise, hopefully sooner. Ernie offered to come with me, thinking that I could use the company, but I decided against it. I didn't really know Ernie well enough to travel with him and I certainly wasn't about to intrude on his personal affairs.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning I awoke to the sound of birds accompanied by a feeling that I hadn't had in a long time. A feeling of hope that today was the day that everything was going to change. How right I was, just not in the way that I was expecting...

I had barely gotten out of the barn when out of nowhere I heard a small cry coming from the surrounding woods. I sniffed the air and perked up my ears to be sure that I wasn't going crazy when I caught a scent that I hadn't caught before but a cry I knew all too well. It was the cry of loneliness, the cry of helplessness and the cry of need. Whatever was making it was small I could tell, I assumed that it was a deer for that was the first thing that my nose caught. If I had waited a little longer I would've gotten a completely different scent.

Walking in the direction of the cry, periodically sniffing to get a sense of direction I came upon two things in the tree line, a slaughtered deer and a wolf cub. The cub was about a head or two bigger than a domesticated puppy, which was normal for the age that it appeared to be. The right of the cub's face was slashed, its hind legs were broken and it looked to be abandoned. Slowly making my way over to it I noticed that the cub, in addition to its pain, was also blind. I looked at the deer and then at the cub, going back and forth for several seconds until I finally rested on the cub.

I sat down next to the deer carcass and tried to the best of my ability to speak wolf, which is an entirely different language than dog, for it is more primitive and uses more grunts. _"What's your name?"_ I asked keeping things simple for the time being and trying not to focus on the situation, _"I don't have a name"_ the cub answered in a small female voice, _"Mommy left me a while ago. She said she'd be back with Daddy and we can eat together. But she hasn't come back yet."_

-Dear what do you think, should we leave our daughter in a ditch on the side of the road?

-Oh yes dear that's a great idea! Forget the fact that she's blind and can't take care of herself yet. Why don't you break the legs and I'll cut off her face!

Yeah, cause that's good parenting.

It just about broke my heart to hear this. There was no way that I was going to lie to the kid, so I told her the truth, _"Mommy's not coming back. She's gone sweetheart."_ The cub started crying again I did my best to calm her down but my efforts were futile. _"It's alright"_ I said as I gently picked her up, heading back towards the farm, _"We're just goanna go for a walk okay?"_ The cub sighed heavily at this, obviously confused by my meaning, _"But my legs are broken. I can't walk...I can't do anything now."_ I shook my head and smiled gently, even though she couldn't see it I knew that she knew what I was doing for she looked up at me and instantly became a dog for a minute, wagging her tail slowly.

As soon as I made my way back to the farm, Justin appeared, "What's going on Brain" he shouted as loudly as he could, "Hey is that a wolf?" I huffed annoyingly and answered him if nothing else to get him to leave me alone, "Yes it is Justin" I said, "Now kindly get me a first aid kit and a two sticks please." Justin looked at me confusingly as if he had no idea what I was talking about or if I was even talking to him, I only slapped him as hard as I could in the face and growled, "Now Justin!" Justin immediately scurried off to get the supplies while I went back to comforting the cub.

Justin came back as soon as he could. I pulled out a bandage and began wrapping the cub's legs up, breaking the sticks I made makeshift splints and then gave the cub painkillers. Once this was done I took a wet rag and began cleaning her up to the best of my ability. She in response only smiled and gently licked my hand. I ignored this even though instinct told me to lick her back, for I knew not to get attached to her, for she was still by all rights a wild animal and I was but a domesticated dog. It would be difficult for her to assimilate into my society and extremely painful for me to simply run off into the wild and denounce my civilian life completely. Even so I tended to the cub for three months, never leaving her side until she was able to walk and do things on her own, throughout all of this I had earned my keep on Ernie's farm even though I didn't want it.

By the end of that time the cub, who I had taken to calling Jen, was able to find food and water by smell alone. She was still small but it would be enough for her to survive. I led her out to the woods and waited for her to walk away but Jen remained motionless. "Go on" I said wishing that she would leave before my heart had time to protest, "get out of here." Jen turned around and ran as fast as she could towards me. _"Come with me" _she pleaded, _"we can take care of each other."_ It was all I could do to not take her up on the offer; during the short time that she had been with me I had considered her my daughter. I'd like to think that she thought of me as something of a father, but I knew better. _"I can't" _I answered, _"We've talked about this. Over and over again remember? You're better now. That was the deal-I would stay with you until you got better. Now it's time for you to go."_ Jen shook her head and buried her muzzle into my chest, _"I don't want to get better Daddy"_ she replied softly.

You had to say it didn't you Jen? You just had to go ahead and say the D word-Daddy. What the hell am I supposed to do about that? There are two answers to this question. The first answer is what my heart said and is in all honestly my real response...

-I know you don't baby, I know you don't. I wish that I could go with you, or you could come with me. I wish that it were that simple. But it's not. Life isn't simple. It's hard and full of choices, some of them really hard that make your heart hurt in more ways that you could ever imagine.

I believe in you. I know that you're going to be okay, that one day you're going to find someone who's going to take care of you who's better than me. I'll never forget you Jen and I'll always love you.

The second answer is what my head said...

-Fuck off

Guess which one I went with?

I pulled Jen in close and hugged her as tight as I could before I gave my response. _"Fuck off"_ I replied coldly as I picked Jen up and threw her in the woods, Jen landing on her feet and running away into the woods, her tears following her close behind.

"Wow. That was tough" Justin said from behind, "Yeah" I replied as I turned around and walked towards the house, "So is life."

Ernie finally talked his family into getting electricity, this included TV, phone and internet. The first thing I did was call Quahog, for I hadn't so much as seen or talked to any of the Griffins since I left. I patiently waited by the phone, the ringing of the dial making my anxiety already go that much higher than it needed to be at the moment; it was then that I heard the following...

We're sorry but the number you have reached has been disconnected, please try again.

I checked the number making sure that I entered it correctly and tried again and got the same message. I checked it a third time, same message. A fourth and then a fifth time, same message. I hung up the phone and pulled out my cell phone calling Jasper, only to find the exact same message play on the other end. I called Jasper three more times to be sure, same message all around.

My family was gone. I didn't know if they moved down the street, out of the state, out of the country. I didn't even know if they were alive. The only thing I knew was that I was alone. The only thing I knew was that I wasn't in Quahog and that Stewie was ultimately right. My dream is hopeless, a fool's errand. There is nothing left for me now. Nothing but pain, nothing but suffering, this knowledge, in addition to Jen, only made my loneliness that much more real.


	10. Chapter 10

I am now in Florida. I just couldn't bring myself to stay at the farm, despite all that Ernie and his family had done for me and the friendship that I now had with Ernie himself, it was too remindful of Jen and now my family for me to simply stay there as if it never happened.

I'm not living in any one place. My current home pre say, is a small cave in the woods with a raccoon named Lenny, who likes to be called "Uncle Lenny" for some reason. At the moment I'm just trying to survive, picking off small game and doing random odd jobs in whatever city or town is closest to me. At present I favor Jacksonville, my mail is delivered at the local Wal-Mart, where I technically also live and work at in order to maintain my citizenship.

I had hoped to run into the Griffins by now, for they had said that they were going to Florida, particularly this area before the end of summer. So far I had no such luck of meeting them.

I just remembered something important. Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me I guess. I had planned by now to be in the loving arms of my wife as we planned our future, but then again I had planned so many things and have come to the realization that planning is overrated. Just let things come as they are and eventually you'll get what you want. It's a lazy philosophy, but it's the only philosophy that hasn't got me hurt yet, so I'm sticking with it.

Walking out of the Wal-Mart and back to Uncle Lenny's cave I ran into the one group of people that I never thought I'd see again. I ran into the Griffins. Peter and Lois had remained relatively unchanged; in fact I think Peter might have gotten fatter. Chris and Meg were taller by comparison, as was Stewie, who by the looks of things was just about to start 1st grade even though according to his brain scan he was a college undergrad.

Not wanting to be the one to start things lest tarnish my already horrible image of me upon them I simply ignored the Griffins entirely and continued on my way, hoping that one of them would say something. They looked directly at me, and said nothing, as if I was a complete stranger or worse as if I was invisible. There was no way that I was going to let them pass me by, not like this, so I ran up to them as fast I could and hugged the first person in the group that I could reach, I came to Stewie.

"Thank God!" I replied, "Thank God you're alive" Stewie pushed me away and slapped me as hard as he could before Lois took him up in her arms. "Yes Brian" Lois said rather coldly, "We're alive. Now kindly leave us alone." I shook my head in disbelief, trying to stop them before they could leave me, "Will you just listen to me" I begged, at this point crawling rather pathetically on the ground in desperation, "What is it Brian?" Meg asked sharply, "Haven't you already said enough?" I stood up and nodded in agreement; fixing my fur and shaking the dirt off of me, for I knew that I mostly likely looked like complete shit. "Just hear me out one last time and I promise you'll never hear from me again." Peter laughed sarcastically, "What makes you think we'll listen? After what you said, after what you did? Do you think we're just going to accept you back into our lives and pretend that none of it happened? You must be out of your fucking mind if that's what you're thinking Brian!" I nodded, once again in total agreement, for I hated myself and simply wanted them to forgive me if nothing else. "I agree Peter" I said quickly, "I totally understand. I'm a fucking scum bag. I'm a dirty, low down, heartless, cold, son of a bitch with no religion, no ethical code and no feelings. Hell I'm also the American Adolf Hitler, the Prince of Darkness, every Incurable Disease and a False Prophet." I stopped to catch my breath and continued, "I'm the worst person on the face of the Earth. I'm insecure about everything that I ever believed in, from politics to religion, from ideals and ideas, everything about me is a flawed, gaping open wound of disgusting puss that can only be cured by medicine that you and your family provide Peter. Help me" I got down on my knees and rested my head on Peter's legs, "Please help me. If nothing else, forgive me, tell me that everything's going to be okay."

Peter sighed and walked away, causing my head to thump in the dirt. Stewie jumped down from Lois and walked back over to me, giving me a well deserved kick to the face, the stomach, the balls and the back before all the rest of the family surprisingly turned around and joined in beating me almost to death in the middle of board daylight.

I woke up back in the cave. Uncle Lenny was standing over me dipping a wet rag and placing it on my forehead. "Oh good you're awake" Uncle Lenny said happily, "I was afraid you died or something." I tried to sit up but as soon as I moved I felt a bone crack and screamed in pain, "Yep" Lenny continued, "That would be your back. You got lucky Brian." I laughed sarcastically failing to see the good in any of this, "How is this lucky?" I asked, "Because you're still alive Brian" Lenny answered, "Ha" I exclaimed cutting him off, "They should've killed me. They had every right to." Lenny shook his head and only continued applying the rag to my forehead.

That night I dreamt of Quahog, of the life I used to have. I knew that I could never go back to it. Not after everything that happened and especially now. I dreamt of the dance that I had with Holly, of the time that I spent with Jen and realized that I loved both of them unconditionally. I know now that I will never have what I want, what I need. It will only always be a dream. I need a change. I need to get away from this place, leave the country and travel the world.

I didn't bother waiting for my back to heal completely, just enough to where I was able to walk. Uncle Lenny told me that at best it would take almost six months for my back to heal at 90% and even then I had to be extremely careful with what I did. Basically as long I didn't try skydiving or running on all fours for extended periods of time I was good.

I packed up what little belongs I had, having lost most of Dad's things in a rainstorm, the only thing I managed to keep was his book, the guitar and my speech, I headed for the nearest airport to Europe with the hope that I would find a new life there.


	11. Chapter 11

The Seven Simple Complicated Impossible Things to Achieve

After I passed through the security line I waited patiently to board the plane. "So you're just goanna walk away is that it?" A voice said from behind, I turned around to face Stewie, who had obviously snuck through security and followed me there. "I'm not walking away" I answered, "I'm just-" Stewie shook his head and laughed cutting me off, "Leaving...again. When are you ever going to learn that it's hopeless Brian? You are doomed to roam the world alone, forever. It's just how things are." I refused to believe it, although in many ways I knew he was right. "It's complicated Stewie" I continued as I pulled out the speech and read it to myself, "What is that?" Stewie asked curiously trying to get me to talk. "It's none of your damn business what it is" I barked annoyingly, "its personal." Stewie rolled his eyes and snatched the speech from my hands and began reading it aloud...

I didn't know Dad very well. But from what I could tell he was a great guy. I remember when I was kid Dad told me something very important just before he left for good. He said that there are seven things, seven impossible things that we try to achieve in life. They are simple and complicated at the same time.

The first is Love- Difficult to find and once found even harder to keep

The second if Family- Sometimes you hate them, you say things you don't mean and things that you do. You have to do your best to keep Family together if Love is to ever have a chance at all

The third is Responsibility- Taking care of others is essential but always remember to do things for yourself. It is your obligation to see to it that you are happy, so that you can make others happy.

The fourth and fifth are Vices and Virtues- Recognizing your weak and strong points is a long and perilous journey often taking you places that you don't want to go. This road is full of many dangers but if you overcome them you will reach enlightenment and move on to the sixth.

The sixth is Faith- Discovering your personal beliefs in something and throwing yourself in it wholeheartedly, reflecting your ideals into your actions, your belief into your words and your life into your faith. Faith, is also believing that you can do anything that you set your mind to.

The seventh is Acceptance- This you will never be able to achieve but it's nice to strive for.

Dad called these things the Seven Simple Complicated Impossible Things to Achieve. I'd to think that one day I could make such a journey, but I will never know, for I am alone and Dad always told me that the best journeys are those taken in the company of others.

"So that's what you're doing" Stewie said in understanding as he stopped reading, "The bullshit journey of self discovery thing! You already have all of those things Brian." I wished that I could get him to understand, for him to be in my position, for it was true most of the Seven I did already have, the Vices and Virtues part I'm still working on, but everything else I had, it just wasn't the kind of things that I wanted.

I had Love, but it wasn't physical or intimate. I had Family, but they weren't mine, I was merely an additional asset, nothing more than an accessory in many ways. Responsibility was another one that I constantly fucked up with, I had no stable job, was at the time taking as many drugs as I could and also throwing myself around on every woman I could find in an effort to find Love. As for Faith, well I believed in nothing. Acceptance came with the Family.

The Seven Simple Complicated Impossible Things to Achieve have been my goal ever since Dad told them to me. So far, despite everything that I've been through, I didn't have a single one.

Stewie continued yelling at me but I didn't hear a word he said for I was too lost in myself. "Did you hear what I just said?" Stewie asked, "No" I answered bringing myself out, "What was it?" Stewie slapped me in the face, this time drawing blood, before he ripped my collar off and grabbed my neck pulling in towards his face, "Choose Brian, me or you!" I was confused as to what he was talking about, until I saw him point a gun to his head. "Stewie what the fuck are you doing?" I screamed as I tried to break free of his grip but he only squeezed harder, slowly cutting off my air supply. "You or me!" Stewie repeated, his eyes crazed as he pulled back on the hammer and gently placed his finger on the trigger, "You or me!"


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up screaming, finding myself already on a plane heading for Italy. It was a dream, a terrible, horrible dream. I was sweating profusely and I noticed that a good chunk of fur was all over the seat, which meant either that I was shedding again or it was that time of year. I think it was both, but I can't be sure so I'll just say it was shedding and leave it at that.

I paged the stewardess and got as many glasses of water as possible, at the same time she slipped a small piece of paper underneath the last glass. Without reading it I crumbled it up and threw it to the ground, "No thanks sweetheart" I said, "Staying within the species this time." The stewardess huffed annoyingly and walked away. I sighed deeply and pulled out my headphones and my I Pod, hoping to ease my anxiety by losing myself in music.

Someone had been playing with my music, I could tell because it was filled with nothing but One Direction, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry. And there was only one person I knew who listened to them religiously,-Stewie. I looked over it again and discovered that the I-Pod wasn't even mine, just made to look like mine. I had half a mind to call Stewie and tell him off, but after the dream and nearly getting beaten to death I decided against it.

It's a long flight from Florida to Italy. I was not about to make it longer by having bullshit course through my ears. Taking off the headphones I turned off the I Pod, planning to throw it away or get it to the first person I saw to do it for me and laid back in my seat, afraid to sleep but falling asleep anyway.

Undoubtedly I dreamed again. This dream was much better considered that right off the bat I was back in Quahog with the family. In addition to this I was with Holly, in front of me was what I assumed to be my sons. If I ever have sons I think I would give them normal names. Don't you find it ridiculous the names that some people named their dogs? It's quite sad actually. I met dog once; he was a German Shepherd with the name-Precious. Two days later Precious jumped out in front of car, if I had a name like that I would aim high and jump for the semi.

I woke up five minutes later to the sound of a kicking and screaming kid directly behind me. No matter where I traveled I seemed to be stuck with the baby, I honestly didn't mind, for usually they were quiet and didn't complain, expect for Stewie, who is always a problem, but on a general level when it comes to kids and particularly young kids, you put a dog near em and their fine, at least in my experience. This was one of rare and annoying exceptions.

The kid was whining and screaming to his mother about, of all things, a fucking juice box, that he just had to have at that exact moment in order for him to shut up and sit quietly and not give me a brain tumor due to his kicking of my seat, which he continued to do, getting more forceful every passing second. "I want my juice box, give it to me now!" the kid screamed into my eardrums, giving me temporary tinnitus in addition to the occasional popping of the ears due to the high altitude of the plane. "You'll get your juice box in a minute" the mother replied calmly, "Now sit down and stop kicking that seat. You're bothering the poor man." Now I've been mistaken for a human countless of times and on most occasions I corrected it, but on airplanes I was a human in a dog suit hands down. I had absolutely no interest in being thrown in a cage and bouncing around for three to six hours with luggage and other annoying animals. But then again, it wouldn't be a bad way to meet someone, uncomfortable, yes, but bad, not by a long shot, especially if I ended up joining the Mile High Club.

It was getting to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I even went so far as trying the I-Pod again, taking the lesser evil and listening to the Canadian douche bag, making my ears literally bleed and cringe in pain as my brain attempted to block out the combined noise of the music and the kid, for the headphones were the cheap kind that could only do so much, with what I remembered of every Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Nat King Cole song I knew. It didn't work. I began whimpering, no longer caring if anyone found me out and called an attendant who would promptly put me in a painfully small cage and throw me in the back of the plane, I just wanted this nightmare to end.

"Let me have the juice, let me have the juice!" the kid continued screaming, "Please stop!" The mother exclaimed, like me, no longer able to take anything and slowly losing her sanity. I turned around sharply and stared the kid in the face, "Shut the fuck up!" I cried, "I've been trying to sleep ever since this plane took off. I've had a long ass day full of bigger problems and bigger concerns than a fucking juice box you little insignificant prick! I really don't give a fuck about you and you're stupid, pea sized brain and whatever it is that you're thinking. I just got disowned by every person that I ever cared about, I'm miles away from home, I have no friends, no family and I am alone. Count your blessing you little shitbag cause it's only going to get worse from here." The woman immediately slapped me as hard as she was able to in the face and then punched my right eye, blackening it. I began barking sporadically in response, at this point actually considering the cage a blessing.

What happened was worse than anything cage would ever be. One of the attendants came over, yanked me out of my seat, almost breaking my neck in the process, grabbed my things, threw them into my arms, strapped a parachute on my back and threw me out the emergency exit. "Welcome to Europe shitbag!" the attendant screamed as he threw me out, 20,000 feet in the air, "Hope you can swim!"

As soon as I exited the plane I immediately began praying to Whoever that the parachute worked, until then I simply screamed every curse word I could think of, first directing it towards the attendant, the woman and the annoying kid, "You no good motherfucking, shitfaced cunts! If I ever find you you're going to wish you were six feet under the damn ground cause when I do find you I'm ramming my dick up your asses until you bleed from your eyes and puke the fires of Hell you insolate, annoying, two faced bastards!" I then directed it towards my current situation, "I fucking hate flying! I hate, hate, hate-" I then saw the water of the Mediterranean and pulled the chute, the chute catching the wind and causing me to windsurf for a mile and a half.

Wading around in the water I hastily took off the parachute, for it was beginning to drag me down and began swimming to the best of my ability to what I hoped was land, for the plane was nowhere near its destination when the attendant threw me off the plane.

My back was in more pain than it ever has been in my life. I could barely stay afloat much less swim. Imagine ripping off all of your skin at once while someone is taking a dull knife and cutting out your eyes and you are imagining the exact pain I am feeling at the moment. At least I can say that I parachuted out of a commercial plane, that's a plus on the dating resume that's for damn sure.

As I floated aimlessly, letting the currents take me where they would I began to think about Dad as the stars blanketed themselves over the night sky. I could swear that I could see him up there, laden in the stars, looking down at me and from the looks of things, he wasn't happy. And who could blame him? It was then that I realized where I was and where it was that I should be. I began crying out to anyone who would answer, hoping that I would get a response.

"What do you want from me? Do you want me to say that is was all my fault! Okay then, fine, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!" I went from crying to weeping in three seconds, my back was getting worse with each passing second, soon I wouldn't even be able to hold myself up. I was going to drown in the middle of the sea, alone, helpless, unloved and unwanted. It was the saddest time in my entire life. I continued to scream upwards, "What do you want me to do!" I begged, "Anything! Give me a sign, give me something...Don't-don't let me die out here. I don't wanna die yet, not yet. Please, whoever you are, give me another chance!"

To Be Continued


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